Backstory on the letter: I wrote this letter while away at a Women's Retreat in March of 2017. I was suffering from depression, anxiety and feeling completely lost on my purpose. I loathed my body and fed it terrible things to numb the pain that was too much for my heart. I remember being at this retreat I would go for walks alone and just sob in solace. But something happened on that trip for me because when I came back, I felt lighter and more at peace. None of my circumstances has changed, yet there was is an overarching feeling that everything would, in fact, be okay.
If you are reading this letter, shedding quiet tears and nodding, "yes, I understand this pain"... I want to remind you that you are not alone. God has greater plans for you than your current circumstances. Trust that although the storm rages, you can find peace within it. Always in your corner, friend.
I want to be brave. Not just brave in the sense of fear, but brave to try, and not doubt myself. I am fearful that I am missing out on some great adventures because I am too scared to try.
I want to be kind. I often say, treat others the way you want to be treated, but honestly, I don't practice what I preach. I set high expectations for people ( my family especially) and feel disappointed because it didn't turn out the way that I wanted. I want my initial response to be of love, not anger and disappointment.
I want to be heard. I feel like my voice has gotten so small and insignificant. In my marriage, especially. It's hard to be married to someone who goes out and gets what they want. I feel like my climb to reach my goals is steeper, even if it's not. Why? I want Ryan to "cheerlead" me towards my desires. But, I realize I also need to do the same for him.
I want to stop feeling like my life isn't successful. I haven't done things in A-B-C order and the more I learn the more I realize that life isn't supposed to go that way. I want to stop feeling like a disappointment to my parents, like a wasted investment. You showed me this today and I need to let it sink into my heart:
" At the moment of death, we will not be judged according to the number of good deeds we have done or by the diplomas we have received in our lifetime. We will be judged according to the love we have put into our work."( Unknown)
God, allow me to love my work. Allow me to gain insight and perspective and understand that this "job" I have is tough and not glamourous. It is full of joy and adventure and it is also extremely hard and monotonous. Allow me to feel success in "just being a mom". I want my kids to grow up and understand that I sacrificed, but with abundant love in my heart.
I want to be a better wife to Ryan. God, allow me to lessen my grip on control and enjoy my marriage. I want to be open and loving. I want to break down the wall I put up around myself. Why did I waste my carefree abandon with men that didn't fulfill me in my 20s and now cannot do the same for Ryan. I don't want to withhold love from him. Why am I scared and ashamed? I want to be the woman that fights for her marriage. I want to make our marriage a priority and make intimacy a priority.
God, allow me these things to live a life full of love, joy, and happiness. Is it my own doubts creating these blocks? Is it the Enemy? He doesn't have control over my life. You do. You are the good in my life. You are the joy that I find in my kids, hobbies, and marriage. Help me to see it for all the greatness you have given me in this life.
(written March 2017 )
After this letter, I found myself contemplating working on my health with more intentionality. I started making smoothies and finding healthier dinner options. I joined a gym and eventually found an at-home program that felt more comfortable for me. And each day, I held on to the promise that God was going to deliver me from that place. Sweet friend, you might be in this place, or somewhere along the path towards healing. And all I want to remind you is how strong you are, and to keep faith close. Make 1 small step in the direction of where you want to go each day because those small steps add up.
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